I started 2017 on a high note, quite optimistic and with lots of plans like most wannabe entrepreneurs. I believed with lots of determination, prayer and hard work I will be the CEO of my own dream business. This dream business didn’t start this year, I have been working hard towards it for a long time but this year the optimism was really high. However, things took a totally different turn. What I didn’t know and wasn’t prepared for was the emotional and financial depression I had to battle; reliving past pains and experiencing fresh ones (long story for another day).
Through all of these, I struggled to put on a strong face both in my real and social media lives. I keep telling myself I can’t be depressed because I am a conscious Muslim despite how much I never wanted to get out of the bed and how often I scream at my innocent children whenever they make any little mistake as if they are the reasons for my life failures.
I was so deep in this darkness that I couldn’t see any goodness in my life, I believed my life sucked. I felt lonely, dejected and useless.
I craved a break from my children. I longed for quiet evenings where I will simply curl up with a book to read or dream wonderful dreams, I longed for peaceful Sallah moments to connect with my Lord, I longed for the freedom to move around without a toddler tagging along. I long for the ability to step out of my house to go for a walk and clear my mind.
I believed I was adding no value to anyone’s life. I see nothing special about raising two kids alone, supporting my man even in his absence and dealing with all other emotional struggles without any physical support system. I was fixated on what I believed I need and where I believed I should be.
I couldn’t breathe, any attempt to take a deep breath often result in me gasping for breath.
I forgot to live this moment of my life. I was hung on past failures and longed to chase future ambitions that may come or never come.
I stop enjoying my children. I forgot to see them as a blessed gift from Allah, a chance to earn the pleasure of my Lord.
This was my life a few months ago.
When I eventually summoned the courage to speak with a Therapist, one of the things she told me was to acknowledge my challenges, understand my situation, only then can I truly appreciate who I am, the role I am playing in the lives of my husband, children and other people around me, and then receive these as blessings from Allah.
So one day, I decided to write down some of the things I do, both physically and emotionally; but I will only make reference to my domestic chores here.
That day, I realised that I am more than I thought of myself.
Excerpt from my journal entry 15th November 2017; I call it my realization/gratitude day.
“I know that there’s certainly more to me than being a homemaker, but writing down some of the things I do on daily basis has helped me appreciate where I am now and set my intentions right. I may not be the CEO of my dream business yet, but I am being there for my kids, feeding their soul and tummy, keeping the home healthy for them physically and mentally, and I know that with the right intention, none of these will go unrewarded by Allah in shaa Allah. I am also grateful to Allah for this opportunity to be here for them and with them, watch them grow and cross many developmental milestones; it is indeed a blessed opportunity”
Read the conclusion here
About The Author
UmmSom is a married Mum of two munchkins; a blogger, writer and an Entrepreneur. She enjoys cooking, crafting, reading and being Mum to her bundles of joy.